It has been a bit over a year that Yuki and I have been married. It has been a wonderful time, but it certainly has not been without its challenges and lessons. I had a conversation (that I really enjoyed) with Yuki on the things that we learned about our marriage and about each other and here are a couple of the things we came up with!
1 – Communication is really really important.
Alright, I knew this before I got married, but the importance of communication has just become much more hugely evident. Actually the majority of our disagreements and arguments have been due to lack of communication a.k.a. I always want to assume that Yuki should know what bothered me instead of actually telling him what bothered me. I think that, after analyzing our first year of marriage, this is one of the main areas that I, personally, need to work on. It is really important, I have realized, to let your spouse know what is bothering you, because even if you think they should know, everyone thinks differently and it is almost certain that they did not commit the offending act with the intent of offending you.
2 – There isn’t always a right way to do things.
During this first year, it was often that I found myself adamantly insisting that a certain way was the right way to do it, simply because that’s the way I’ve always done it, or because I’d watched my parents do it that way all my life. For example, this held true for subjects like money management. I’m sure that as soon as we obtain bank accounts, we all develop a specific way of managing our money. This may may or not always align with how the person we marry manages their money. In these situations, it is important to remember that there isn’t necessarily a right way to do things, but a best way to do things that satisfies both parties. Sometimes, this best way may involve small adjustments on each part in order to reach the best way for both.
Another area in which this is especially important is house responsibilities. It may seem obvious that different couples share house responsibilities in different ways, but I think sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in thinking things should be a certain way. In terms of house responsibilities, I have been very grateful in how flexible Yuki has been. I have always disliked cooking (even though I have tried to enjoy it on multiple occasions), but Yuki has been very understanding and offered to do the cooking most times when we are together and eat at home.
Although I have only mentioned two areas, I think it is important to remember that in many areas in a marriage, it is crucial to understand that there are different ways to do things and what might work for one couple might not always be the best thing for everyone.
3 – Being married to someone of a different culture who speaks a different language can inevitably be isolating sometimes.
I knew that the language barrier was going to be a challenge before I got married, but in this first year of marriage, I have definitely experienced more of the challenges that come with being married to someone who speaks a different language and has a different culture. This last summer, I went to Japan with Yuki and, as usual, we spent a lot of time with his family and we also met up with his friends to catch up (mostly him). Since I am now married to Yuki, I really wanted to develop more of a relationship with his family and I definitely wanted to participate in his conversations with his friends to get to know them better. Yet, I found this very difficult to do given that his family and his friends (minus one) do not speak english. The experience was a bit frustrating because I felt a bit isolated and unable to make progress with these relationships. It was definitely an eye opener in regard to the challenges that are faced in an interracial marriage and it has encouraged me to be more active in my study of the Japanese language. I am sure that Yuki feels this way too with my family when we speak Spanish, since much of my family also does not speak English, and my experience this winter has allowed me to be more aware of how he feels when I speak in Spanish with my family.
4 – Balancing family time isn’t always easy.
This one, like the the previous, perhaps is more a challenge present in an interracial marriage, but can definitely exist in marriages with people who are from the same area. With all of Yuki’s family being all the way in Japan, and my immediate family being in the US – and the rest in Mexico – it has definitely been a bit difficult to balance the time between each of our families. This challenge becomes even more pronounced around the holidays when it is quite difficult to have both families together for the holidays. This calls for sacrifices sometimes, and it can definitely be difficult to spend the holidays away from the family and the traditions you so deeply cherish. I think it’s absolutely essential to talk about how holidays will be managed in a marriage and to try to understand the other person’s feelings in regard to the matter.
5 – Love is expressed in different ways.
I had a really deep conversation with Yuki about this one, because we have quite different ways of showing each other love. The way Yuki described it is that the way he seeks to love me is similar to a fire that is not burning wildly and out of control, but is instead burning steadily at a constant temperature. In other words, Yuki shows me love by offering stability in my life. On the other hand, he described that he perceives my love for him to be more like that of a lively fire, always seeking change and improvement in an active way.
I completely understood and identified with what he told me, and after a good discussion, we came to the conclusion that it was important for us to vocalize our needs as they came up, in order to avoid hurt feelings. We also discussed that it was important to have realistic expectations and to realize that we were two different people with two different ways of thinking. However, we understood that even though we had different ways of showing love, sometimes it is necessary to make adjustments so that the other person feels connected. The discussion really helped to emphasize even further the important of communication and understanding in a marriage.
So, with every marriage come unique challenges depending on the type of marriage, but part of the fun of being married to someone you love is approaching these challenges with passion and finding a solution to them. Working together to make a marriage better with the person you chose to spend the rest of your life with makes for an enriching marriage, and allows you to learn even more about the person you love. So I have learned one more thing in my first year of marriage: that I am so happy that I get to work through these challenges with Yuki, and that I get to take every opportunity I can to better our marriage every day.
‘Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.’ – 1 Peter 4:8
‘Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.’ – Mark 10:9
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